The First of the Lasts and My Thoughts on Mommy wars

What a whirlwind of a year this has been! Our lives were forever changed for the better this past February when we found we were expecting a baby and then we go in and find out we were actually expecting TWO babies. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love being a mom to twins! I love all of my children so much. Funny thing, I always wanted 4 kids and well now I have them. :)

I have begun to realize over the last few weeks just how special this time is with these babies. When I thought we were done having children it didn't phase me that I wouldn't get a chance to do certain baby things again like I thought it would. HOLY HORMONES has it rocked my world the last few weeks as things are changing with the babies and they are growing more and I'm becoming just an emotional wreck thinking about how this is really the last time I will get to experience certain things about having a baby.  I mean really, time needs to SLOW DOOOOOOWWWWWNNNN!

When I found out I was pregnant I was determined that I was going to breastfeed this child, baby wear this child everywhere I went, use cloth diapers and just be the crunchiest mama I could possibly be. Then I found out there were two and I thought okay I can still do everything but the cloth diapers because Lord knows I can't keep up with the laundry we have now, so I'm not throwing cloth diapers into that mix. Then the babies came early and things changed. So I became a pumping mama and was quite successful in the beginning. Then the babies started growing and my supply just couldn't keep up so we started adding some formula. We've come to the point now where they mostly get formula and I have been struggling with stopping the pumping. I don't want to because I know this is the last time I will get to experience this.

In the beginning it felt more like I wanted to survive the mommy wars of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding and I wanted to be on the breastfeeding side because I want to give my babies the best. I'm learning though that the stress I'm feeling every time I pump and don't get exactly the amount I think I need to get that I'm stressing about that and a stressed out mommy with no sleep isn't the best mommy that these babies need.

Moms let's stop the mommy wars. Let's stop judging each other. Let's stop feeling like we have to meet other people's expectation and let's START doing what is best for our family. If you're able to breastfeed and have the milk supply of a herd of jersey cows more power to you! If you aren't and have the supply of half a cow or no cow well formula isn't the worst thing you can do for your child. Don't feel like a failure like I have been because you're not. If you're sleep deprived and frazzled you can't be all that you need to be for your baby or in my case babies.  If you can't afford a $400 wrap hand woven by women in Africa using fabric only found in Africa or even can't afford an ergo carrier but you want to wear your baby go buy a wrap you can afford or God forbid buy a stinking Baby Bjorn and wear that thing proudly! If you want to cloth diaper then be the best cloth diapering mama you can but if you can't get you some Pampers or Huggies or Loves or store brand diapers and rock those things!

We need to stop being our own worst critics and start encouraging each other and start being the best mommy we can be in our home.  We need to enjoy our babies because before we know it we will be experiencing the firsts of our lasts and miss out on the memories that we will cherish forever knowing that we won't be able to experience these moments with these children again.

Update on the twins

A lot of you have heard by now that I'm currently in the hospital on bed rest, so I wanted to update on what's going on.

Thursday afternoon I started having a sharp pain in my side, wasn't a big huge deal but it hurt.  It came back on Friday afternoon as I was walking back to my office from my car. It came on way worse than it did on Thursday and wouldn't go away so I called my doc to see if they could get me in to make sure everything was okay.  It turns out the pain was just a pregnancy pain, one of the twins had kicked me in the ribs or something silly like that, but I'm glad that they did it because the doc found a potential problem during my exam.

The twins have decided they might want to make an early appearance which we do not want. SO, the doc did a sonogram and ran a test that tells if I could go into labor in the next two weeks and it came back positive.  This doesn't mean I will for sure go into labor in the next 2 weeks but things are progressing where it's definitely a possibility so out of an abundance of caution they went ahead and admitted me to the hospital to do bed rest where they can keep a close eye on me and the babies.

There is a chance in a couple of weeks if things stay the same or get better that I will be able to go home and do bed rest at home but for now hospital bed rest is what it is. It's definitely not what I was hoping for but I've got to do what's best for these precious babies. It's really hard being away from my girls but I am so thankful for my amazing parents who have stepped up and are taking care of them for me and Jim so that Jim can be here with me.

With all that said, please be praying that the babies stay put, we need them to stay put at least 6-8 more weeks would be ideal. Thankfully they are past the point where something really bad could happen but if they come now they will definitely have a longer road ahead of them.  So just pray that they will stay put, pray for me because I'm having a really hard time being away from my girls. Also, please pray for Jim because he's having a hard time knowing exactly where he needs to be at this time and definitely pray for my parents!!

God has a plan and I am trusting and knowing that His plans are always perfect!

Twins

Well it has been quite an eventful week in the Davis house! 

About 2 weeks ago we found out I was pregnant. I took 7 home tests and one at my regular doctor's office because I was so surprised. We thought we were done with that phase of our lives but God has a way of surprising us sometimes.  The doctor that delivered my girls retired so the hunt began for a new doctor. The one I chose couldn't get me until this past Wednesday. The suspense of hearing the heartbeat was killing me! 

Well they started my appointment off with a sonogram to try and determine my due date. We saw 2 blobs and I thought it was just maybe the head and stomach. I said is that it?? The lady that was doing the sonogram says "Ms. Tamara, there are 2 babies in there!" Jim flew out of his chair and was like no way, I started laughing and crying. She said yep there are 2 babies! You are having twins! Wow! Oh and ten she throws out that I'm already 20 weeks. We were thinking I was about 8.

The rest of the appointment is kind of a blur but I do know that so far the babies look healthy and had very strong heartbeats. Baby #1 was at 154 and Baby #2 was 160. 

They are in separate sacs separated by a thin membrane. Being separated is a good thing, they can't get tangled in each other's cords. We go see a specialist on Wednesday to find out if they are sharing a placenta or have their own and then we will find out the sex. They were being modest the other day so we couldn't tell. There is definitely a chance they are identical. 

It's been a crazy week but I have to say that God is good and I know He has something big planned for these babies! I can't wait to meet them. They've started moving around this week and I had forgotten how awesome that felt.

We would appreciate all the prayers we can get for a safe pregnancy, their development and that they stay put until it's safe for them to make their entrance in this world. 

Here are the pictures we got Wednesday.

This first one has both of their heads in it. If you look closely you can see them 

This next one is baby #1. It is lying face down so all you can really see is its spine

And the last one is baby #2 and you can see its sweet profile! 

All about the image

I have come to realize more and more that so many of us Christians have become so focused on what's on the outside or what something or someone looks like that we have totally lost focus on what we are called to do which is LOVE.

I'm guilty too, I want to look a certain way, be around certain people, go to certain places but when it really comes down to it I want to be around people that love ME. Not what I look like, not where I live, not where I go to church, not what ministries in the church I'm involved in.  I want people to love ME and to love me unconditionally. 

I'm so tired of trying to fit the status quo.  I/we don't live in this neighborhood, does that make God love me any less?  My/Our kids will go to this school instead of that one, does that make them any less of a person? I'm/We're overweight or even underweight. Does that make God cover His eyes and run screaming the other direction because I'm so unsightly? I/we/he/she may not always smell the best.  Does that make God plug His nose and change seats in church?

So if God sees us as beautiful, created in His image, loveable, worthy to be His child then why on earth do we treat others the way we do? When did we start caring more about perception than actually loving people?  When did we start caring more about what our décor in the church looks like than how we can minister better? When did we start caring more about which kids we want in our Sunday school classes or AWANA groups or church events rather than reaching out to those "unlovable" kids that need love and need to know what real love is? When did we start turning the other direction when a person who may not smell the best or dress the prettiest, or even annoys the mess out of us just wants a little bit of attention but we don't have time for them because they annoy us?

We have become so quick to push people aside and hope that someone else will love them rather than us taking the time to just love them even if it's for a minute, even if it's just to listen to some drawn out sometimes made up story or some silly drama that's going on, just to give them enough time to feel loved for just one minute.  Why do we push aside someone else's feelings and think "they'll get over it."

How often do we stop ourselves and think "how can I show someone love today?" What can I do to reach that person that is ready to give up and are just hoping that "the cool kid" will acknowledge their existence even if for one second.  How can we just look at someone, know they see us looking and we just keep walking by thinking I'm too good to speak to them, they aren't worthy of my attention. What if God did that to us?

I'm so over trying to fit in someone else's box of what I should be.  I want to be who GOD wants me to be.

Jeremiah 9:23-24 ESV /         
Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

 1 Samuel 16:7 ESV /        
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Celebrating the Hubby

So today was hubby dearest's birthday.  Fall also decided to arrive today which was a highly anticipated event for this girl!  The only bad thing is with the Fall weather came the rain so hubby's plan to spend the day with the family doing something outdoorsy was changed.  Luckily Jim is pretty low maintenance and goes with the flow most of the time. :)

So we headed to his favorite place, Guitar Center and got some stuff he needed for his little project he's working on and then decided to head to the wax museum/Ripley's Believe it or Not. The girls were not real excited at first because they wanted to do something with rides but once we got there we had a great time.....even the two little girls that didn't want to go there.

After that we headed to dinner at this little Italian place in Rockwall and had a family diner, then we came home and the girls & I baked him a cake and sang happy birthday.  I think he had a pretty good day despite the rain.

I am very thankful for my husband and glad that we got to spend the day celebrating him and how special he is to me and the girls.

I think the best present he got was the Fall weather....at least that was my favorite. :)

And here are a few pictures of our little outing today.

September 29, 1996

Throughout life we have people that come in and out of our lives that change us either for the good or sometimes for the worst.  There are moments that make us better or make us bitter.  I've had all of the above throughout my life as I'm sure most of you have.  Sometimes there are moments that encompass all of those at the same time.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of one of those moments for me.

It's crazy how it can be 17 years ago and there are days where it feels like it was just yesterday and then there are days where it seems like it's been 17 years.  It's crazy how some days just the mention of a memory can bring me to tears and then days I can go about talking about my memories and they not phase me.  It's crazy how a person can have the kind of impact on your life and 17 years after they are gone they are still impacting your life.

That person for me was a guy named Tony Brown.  I met Tony when I was in 4th or 5th grade at a church camp where he worked as one of the "slop line" guys. They were the guys that sat outside the cafeteria with trash cans and you had to strategically put your trash into the various trash cans.  I will never forget the one time I did it wrong and he yelled at me.  I being the sensitive person I am busted out in tears and he felt horrible. This was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. :)   A few years later our church hired him as the youth minister/music minister at our church.

Tony became the big brother I had always wanted.  We were really inseparable.  He became the best friend I ever had.  When I got into the youth group that didn't change. We were still best friends. We spent our summers going to camps, conferences, tubing down the river, concerts, etc.  He loved everyone in our youth group, even the ones that were "unlovable."  He knew how to make people feel special and his goal was always to get a laugh especially when you didn't want to laugh that day.

Tony had one of those personalities that just made people want to be around him.  He was crazy, always had crazy ideas.....like the time he decided to put on an afro wig and walk around the mall and then while in the bathroom a very large black man walks up next to him and asks if he had a problem. Tony said "nope."  Or maybe the time he and his younger but taller brother went and bought matching horribly ugly outfits and walked around the mall all day with them on.  Or maybe the time we had a contest to see who could fit the most cheese balls in their mouth. Or maybe the time me & another girl saran wrapped his toilet seat after our devotional at a conference and the next morning he snuck into our room with the help of  our room sponsor and put a baby ruth candy bar on our pillow to look like someone had pooped on our pillow and then proceeded to jump on our bed screaming to wake us up.  Or maybe it was the time he let me set my tent up next to the water when we were camping because he knew I was going to wake up soaking wet. Or maybe it was the time he was taking my to my grandparents house after a youth event before I was old enough to drive and when the police officer pulled him over for speeding he started questioning why he had a young girl in the car with him.....that one was a classic.  Or maybe it was his crazy wild pants that he loved to wear that were blinding with color.  Oh there are so many stories that I could go on an on writing about.

There are so many memories I have and so many times I wish that I could call him when I'm having a bad day, or when I'm questioning anything about myself, I wish he could know my daughters, I wish he could know my husband if only for the very reason that sometimes he needs a good slapping around and I know that Tony would be more than happy to do that for me. :) Really though, he would love Jim and I wish that Jim would've been able to know him.

I will never forget that last day I spent with Tony.  We had auditions for our Christmas musical that the church choir was going to be doing and I also had auditions the next day for a musical I was trying to be a part of.  We were in his office talking after the auditions and he pulled me down to talk to me and it was one of those conversations that looking back, it was almost like he knew it was going to be our last conversation.  He told me he knew I was going to do well in the audition the next day and to not be me and get nervous, he told me he loved me and that he would always love me, he told me that he was proud of me.  I will never forget that conversation.

I had really had a rough few years that resulted in my parents pulling me out of school and homeschooling me so I spent every day with Tony at the church when my mom was at work, because I had to go with her up there to do my school work (yes I was that bad LOL!) I'm so glad I did though because I got lots of extra time with my best friend.

 I went for several years letting his death make me bitter.  I was so mad, mad at God that my best friend was gone.  He was one of the only people I ever had in my life that I could confide in and know that it would be kept confidential and that regardless of how dumb I was acting, he would still love me.  Letting go of that anger was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but it was the right thing to do. 

I still miss that guy like crazy.  Some days I could just really use a Tony Brown smile or hug or joke or gentle okay not so gentle reminder to not act like an idiot.  Oh to be the kind of person that still makes an impact on a life 17 years after I'm gone.  I want to be that kind of person.

Motherhood is.....sacrificing your sweet tea!

So I've had one of those evenings where I've thoroughly enjoyed being a mother.  I mean I really thoroughly enjoy it every day but for some reason today has been one of those days where I'm sitting here thinking of just how truly blessed I am. Maybe because I had a horrible, not so good, terrible, bad day at  work and maybe just simply because I truly am blessed. 

I truly have the most amazing children. There's no doubt.  Most days I can't fathom why God chose me to be the mother of these 2 beautiful girls.  Their outsides are beautiful but their insides are too.

I love that Bella is so caring, encouraging, and was truly born with a heart of gold.  I love how she loves gymnastics and tries to incorporate it into everything....literally everything she does. haha! I can't turn around many times without caching her doing a cartwheel, front roll, hand stand, or something. I love that she loves school. I love that she loves her friends.  I love that she loves to help.  I love that she LOVES to ask questions....even though sometimes in that moment I'm not so glad about that. :) But most of all I love that she loves God.

I love that Jenna is so innocent and tender hearted.  I love that she still wants to be my baby.  I love that she truly beats her own drum and doesn't care if no one else wants to join her.  I love that she is developing a love for art and drawing.  I love that she loves music and is so intrigued by music.  I love that she is making new friends at school. I love that she loves her teacher.  And again I most of all love that she loves God.

I am blessed. There are moments where I really want to just pull my hair out but I'm blessed......even if it means they drank all of my sweet tea that I just got from Chicken Express on the way home from gymnastics before I even got a sip. :)